Book Notes – How to Click with People: The Secret to Better Relationships in Business and in Life

Posted: January 29, 2014 by Todd in Books, Ministry, Productivity
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How To Click With People


How to Click with People: The Secret to Better Relationships in Business and in Life

Dr. Rick Kirschner

Brief Summary: Use a variety of techniques to “click” with people.  Blending is the most comprehensive and powerful of these techniques.  I found the first four chapters to be the most helpful.
Finished March, 2012
Chapter 1: The Basic Click
Blending – do things to bring yourself closer to the person you’re interacting with.  Both verbal and nonverbal.
Nonverbal Blending – body language, personal space
Verbal Blending – tempo, volume, time and space (speak in past, present, or future?)
Chapter 2: Clickability- What Is It and Who Has It?
Live with passion; energy draws.
Responsibility = the ability to respond adequately and wisely to a situation, rather than just reacting to it.  The greatest leverage in life is your response to what the moment brings.
In small talk, remember these topics to bring up: work, family, hobbies, culture
To convey warmth: move, keep an open posture, face people at slight angle, smile, let other notice you noticing, position self just outside the person’s personal space, try to make the person you’re talking to feel like they are the only one in the room [more…]
Chapter 3: A Short Course on Listening
1. They love to hear themselves talk.
2. They want to be heard and understood.
3. They are drawn to people who listen to them.
Start with who, what, where, when, and how. (not why, yet)
Ask for relevance between any two things.
You can always say, “tell me more…”
Listen for content AND emotion.
Hedge words cure that full disclosure hasn’t happened (maybe, pretty much, almost certain, pretty sure, etc)
Chapter 4: Click in Style
4 Basic Styles of Communication:
1. Action – goal focused
2. Accuracy – detail focused
3. Approval – other focused
4. Appreciation – self focused
Match to communication style to click.
Chapter 5: Motivation to Click
Motivations come from either desires or fears.
Desire will move you forward when you have energy to spare, and fear will keep you going when your energy flags.6 Types of Motivation (each has desire/fear aspects)

1. Values
2. Reward
3. Challenge
4. Esteem
5. Purpose
6. Feelings
Chapter 6: What My Cowbell Says About Me: Identifying Values to Click
Look for values that are always on display.  Seek congruence with values.  We all are the same, the more general you get.  We’re all different the more in-depth you look.  Go as general as necessary to find congruence.
Chapter 7: Clicking Electronically
8 Keys to Clicking Over the Phone
1. Make sure the timing is right
2. Use the person’s name to hold her attention
3. Match voice volume
4. Reconcile talking speed
5. Conform your speaking rhythm to your partner’s
6. Match energy
7. Level vocal variety
8. Keep sentence length and word choices similar
4 Ways to Click During a Phone Interview
1. Use a landline
2. Be prepared
3. Hold the focus (no multitasking)
4. Listen and blend
8 Ways to Make Email Work
1. Be polite
2. Use the subject line
3. Keep it brief
4. Frame your message
5. Put out any flames
6. Only send to groups with permission
7. When sending to groups, keep addresses private
8. Watch the funny stuff
Increase Your Chances of Connecting (online social networking)
1. Ask for a recommendation
2. Ask for a referral
3. Recommend someone else
4. Make a referral
5. Make a new connection
Chapter 8: Troubleshooting
5 Categories of Conflict Preventing Clicks
1. Strong, committed opinions
2. Meddling (overfunctioning)
3. Gossip (especially when the full loop is made)
4. Unconstructive criticism
5. Sarcasm
Rule #1: It’s Not About You – more often than not, it is about the other person and some inadequacy that they have
Rule #2: Ask Yourself if It Could Be About You
8 Ways to Resolve Trouble with Positions (opinions stated as facts)
1. Acknowledge the person’s importance
2. Find a way to agree
3. Respond favorably to the fact that the person is speaking up
4. Don’t back away
5. Don’t be pulled into an argument
6. Buy some time
7. Get more information
8. Get others involved
4 Ways to Handle Trouble with Criticism
1. Help Them Criticize You
2. Say Thank You
3. Accept What’s Valid About the Criticism
4. Ask for a Retrial (get them to backtrack and state what they would need to see to change their opinion)
5 Ways to Manage Trouble with Gossip
1. Ask your source for details
2. Ask the gossiper if it’s true she has been talking about you
3. Don’t let gossiper change the subject (insist on understanding if they were talking about you)
4. Use the interaction to get to know each other better
5. Plan for text time
6 Ways to Defuse a Meddler
1. Understand what makes them so hard to please
2. Don’t tell them they are wrong
3. Receive it as a gift
4. Give them something to do
5. Question your questioner
6. Be prepared with the answer
3 Ways to Handle Sarcasm
1. Have a laugh at your own expense
2. Take it at face value
3. Playfully put it back on them
Chapter 9: The Click Zone
Try to let people play a part in developing your idea.  In the wake of rejection, stop and go back (start over).
Chapter 10: Emotional Click Signals
“Feelings happen, but thought requires energy.”  (Todd’s note: Resonates with Thinking, Fast and Slow Aim for using a combination of logic and emotion.
7 Signals to Add Emotional Attractivity to Your Ideas
  1. The Signal of Affinity
    1. How Affinity Signals Work:
      1. You click with people you find attractive
      2. You click with charismatic people
      3. You click with those who treat you with respect
      4. You click with what people you like, like
    2. Caveat about Affinity: A little goes a long way, don’t overdo it
    3. Sending the Signal of Affinity:
      1. Lead with your similarities
      2. Treat people with respect
      3. Let the other person know you like them
      4. Be charming
      5. Watch your eye contact
  2. The Signal of Comparison
    1. How Comparison Signals Work:
      1. You click with the better of two choices
      2. You click with people who match your ideals about how people should be
    2. Caveat about Comparison – if your ideals are too lofty, it might be hard to find anyone clickworthy; too many comparisons can lose impact
    3. Clicking with the Signal of Comparison
      1. Choose your benchmark carefully
      2. Stand out from the crowd
      3. Compare yourself to yourself
  3. Understanding the Signal of Conformity
    1. How Conformity Signals Work:
      1. You click with ideas that belong to your community
      2. You click with the ideas of the biggest crowd
      3. You click with whomever is popular
    2. Caveat about Conformity: too much can reduce creativity and innovation
    3. Sending the Signal of Conformity:
      1. Help others be popular
      2. Join the community
      3. Identify common goals
      4. Conform to the other person’s expectations
      5. Point out how your idea fits their expectations
  4. Understanding the Signal of Reciprocity
    1. How Reciprocity Signals Work:
      1. You click with the ideas of people who do favors for you
      2. You click with people when you do favors for them
      3. You click with people who make sacrifices on your behalf
    2. Caveat about Reciprocity: don’t be a doormat, it makes you look weak
    3. Sending the Signal of Reciprocity
      1. Look out for other people
      2. Let others do for you
      3. Go first
      4. Highlight how your idea serves others
      5. Let them know you’re willing to sacrifice
  5. Understanding the Signal of Authority
    1. How Authority Signals Work:
      1. You click with the appearance of authority
      2. You click with the ideas of people who have more experience
      3. Confidence in oneself and one’s ideas grants the aura of authority
    2. Caveat about Authority: too much authority incites rebellion
    3. Sending the Signal of Authority:
      1. Carry yourself with authority
      2. Speak from experience
      3. Dress for success
      4. Emphasize your credentials
      5. Accept Responsibility
      6. Invoke other authorities
      7. Be the authority
(6) Understanding the Signal of Consistency
  1. How Consistency Signals Work:
    1. Consistency helps create the trust at the foundation of any positive relationship
    2. You click with people when you know you can count on them
    3. You click with people when you fulfill their positive expectations
    4. You click with someone that you expect to click with
  2. Caveat about Consistency: Consistency for its own sake can come across as “stiff” or boring
  3. Sending the Signal of Consistency:
    1. Treat people in a consistent way
    2. Be consistent in who you are, what you stand for, and what you value
    3. Point out consistency
(7) Understanding the Signal of Scarcity
  1. How Scarcity Signals Work:
    1. You click when people make you feel special
    2. You click with the moment is fleeting
    3. Reserve sharing your ideas, and when you do, people make take notice
  2. Caveat about Scarcity: dont’ be too scarce with approval
  3. Sending the Signal of Scarcity:
    1. Keep confidences
    2. Speak in confidence
    3. Create a sense of exclusivity
    4. Embody qualities in short supply in today’s world
    5. Offer something not easy to get
Chapter 11: Make Your Point
Keep it Short and Simple
  1. Put the most important information up front
  2. Be specific
  3. Don’t tell them everything
  4. Focus on goals, not process
  5. Choose familiar words
Make your point clear from the beginning
Use statistics sparingly
Focus attention on what to do and why to do it
When you have confidence in your idea, repetition can help you get your ideas to click
State things three times
Make an opinion sound more like established fact
Chapter 12: Stumbling Blocks
Getting people to click with your ideas isn’t about convincing them, It’s about helping them convince themselves.
Keep probing to get beyond blocks
Common Blocks:
Hitting an Impasse
Getting Stuck
All or Nothing
Chapter 13: Group Clicks
5 Strategies to holding group clicks:
1. Hold the focus.
2. Identify a positive common goal.
3. Treat people with respect.
4. Invite members’ contributions.
5. Keep people in the loop.
Roadblocks to Group Click:
Force of habit
Clearing the Roadblocks
1. Be consistent
2. Destroy walls
3. Build bridges
Chapter 14: Why We Click
“Most of what’s good and worthwhile in life begins with a click.”

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